Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Fuck you Tesco. You have RUINED Strawberry Bon Bons. Back in the day you could look forward to getting your fingers covered in pink strawberry dust after popping a Strawberry Bon Bon into your mouth, you would suck off all the flavour, then once that lovely flavour has gone, you’d bite it gently so that the sugary shell (approx 3mm thick) crumbles off to reveal the toffee centre.


Tesco in their wisdom, have seen fit to “improve” the recipe. The packet proudly declares “Improved! Recipe (Recipe)” – I was intrigued at first, curious to find just how the (clearly) brilliant minds employed by Tesco had utilised their vast genius to improve something that hasn’t needed to be improved in 50 years (this is an approximation – no scientific or statistical effort was used in calculating this time frame).

Sadly, I didn’t agree with them that their recipe was improved. NO MR TESCO! You’ve not improved the recipe at all. What you have done is totally ruined / altered beyond recognition, one of the all time greats.
A hard, strawberry-flavoured ball covered in pink dust is NOT a Strawberry Bon Bon.

Take my advice, shoot the chef. Shoot the testers. Bring back the authentic strawberry bon bon. In-fact, your marketing department can then put a positive spin on things by branding the new packaging as “Authentic Traditional Strawberry Bon Bons”.

Chilled Puke

Posted: December 8, 2011 in Food, Travel, Work
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£2.35 for a pot of cold congealed tramps vomit seems a bit steep for me. There are plenty of tramps around in London, I could surely have found one and agreed a much lower price and got it straight from source. I’m sure that despite Starbucks best efforts at Fair Trade dealing I would have given the poor sod a better deal too.

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Ok. So perhaps I would have had the additional problem of having to source my own packaging. I don’t routinely carry spare Tupperware with me on my travels, and I would have missed the frankly too warm refuge provided by this particular branch of Starbucks. But then I could have heard the latest news on the best places to procure Special Brew at discounted rates. At the very least I could have listened to my own choice of music.

Anyway, it’s 08:46 and it’s a five minute walk to the office. Time to leave out the grumping and get on to something guaranteed to make me pissed off…

Two days after my latest attempt I am still fuming at Jamie Oliver. How dare he produce a book entitled “30 Minute Meals” when you only have the slightest hope of producing any of the meals within that time if you have spent at least 30 minutes in advance preparing all of your ingredients followed by around 1 hour cleaning up the complete and utter disaster zone that your kitchen has been turned into. And breathe.

For two days I have been spitting bile about him and his book. I have to say however that the recipes are all good. Whilst they aren’t always the easiest to follow, too much detail, perhaps bullet points would have been better? They do all taste excellent.

I think even the most seasoned amateur chef would be hard pressed to put together one of these meals within the suggested 30 minute window and the mess in your kitchen is pretty much an inevitability.  You could, of course as suggested, prepare all of the ingredients before you start.  I personally got everything out of the fridge and cupboards.  Had I gone further and actually chopped, measured and de-packaged everything before starting then I think I would have taken well over 30 minutes in my preparation.

Jamie Oliver, your food may be nice, but you need to jog-on and come up with a new title for your book.  How about “Nice meals, lots of mess, takes about an hour and 15 minutes”.  Catchy.  I know.

My bacon has turned to leather tougher than that used in any steel-toe-capped boot, my sausage is anaemic (I know what you’re thinking… See a doctor) and my beans have started to clot.
To top it all off I get to wash this shite down with a frozen “fresh” smoothie that’s settled into what looks like fat extracted from liposuction. Tasty.

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A good thing today though, I parked at Southampton’s Highfield House Hotel. Free of charge. Partly in thanks to my honesty (not something I am often thanked for really) and also thanks to the owners generosity. Cheers HHH!

The weather is shitty and terrible with nasty horizontal rain. I am sticking to my story, this is why my trousers are wet. It’s nothing to do with violent splashback. Seriously.