So I just noticed that some wanker has parked outside of my house. I guess this doesn’t seem like being much worth moaning about, only the twat is in my space.
He better not be there when I go back later or he won’t be leaving at all without the support of The AA.
What sort of person does that anyway? I bet he is exactly the sort of person who drives at 40 miles an hour in a 60 zone. Aka a complete arse.
This is what I am calling a “Public Service rant”, I am standing up for all the children in religious families from non-Christian backgrounds. The children who have to see their friends getting lots of lovely new gifts every December and have to sit by with nothing new to play with on December 25th.
I am not a Christian, I am not religious at all and I fully believe that whatever religion you are you should be able to believe it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
The thing is, despite not being religious, I still celebrate Christmas. There is very little to do with religion that goes on in this house around December time, at least, not knowingly. For example, what have Norway Spruce trees got to do with a baby being born in the Middle East? Also, what has tinsel and multi-coloured lights got to do with any of it? I get that the gifts thing has some relation to the birth of Christ but I can assure you that this small fact does not figure even slightly in the equation that results in me lying to my kids about some fat-bloke with a beard dressed in red followed by an army of midgets bringing presents down the chimney on my credit card each year.
As for filling my face with all manner of turkey based meal combinations, getting properly wasted on booze with my friends and family. Ok, family, I have no friends, I alienated them all years ago. Well, I can be sure that this side of Christmas also does not in any way have a religious flavour.
So I say to those who don’t have decorations up, who are using their religious beliefs to save a few quid by not pretending to be a fat beardie bearing gifts, get off your high horse, realise that you don’t have to be celebrating the religious side of things and join the fucking party. Stop being such a miserable git and certainly DO NOT take offence at the school nativity play.
A few days ago I was at the kids school (as opposed to what you may ask?) and I was getting really annoyed at just how damned scruffy they all look these days.
Most of them wearing sweatshirts, polo shirts and trainers instead of shoes.
Some of the girls wear the same as the boys, others wear frilly blouses bought from cheap shops styled like mini office workers. It’s less like a uniform and more like gang colours.
Now contrast that with what I’ve seen today in London. Posh kids dressed in blazers, shirts and ties. But the most ridiculous bit? It’s 4 degrees outside, the boy of about seven years old was wearing shorts. But it’s ok, just in case you were thinking that this wasn’t bad enough, he was wearing knee high socks.
Who are the biggest bastards? The school or his parents? Personally I blame the parents, after all, I doubt the school are responsible for his ridiculous bouffant hairdo.
Wedgies anybody?
This morning I am in Swansea. Its lovely weather for November, a bit cold but really sunny. I am in a hotel with a gym in it. There are many things wrong in here.
First of all I am in the coffee shop. The personal trainers from the gym are coming in for cake and coffee. They are mostly fat bastards. What are they training people for? Sumo Wrestling?
I am sat a short distance from a group of solicitors. On the face of things there is nothing wrong here but they are discussing a case they’ve been working on. Quite loudly. I really wouldn’t want this lot representing me, from the non-work based conversation going on it sounds like they are avid watchers of such mindless crap as “The Only Way is Essex” and “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of here”.
When I get arrested somebody remind me to ask some very basic questions of my lawyers. I don’t care what qualifications you have or what cases you have won. Just don’t be a fan of shite “reality” tv or celebrity bollocks.
Seriously. Apple pissing me off again. Within 15 minutes of taking 4S orders they have both failed to take reservations and also run out. It’s a farce.
Secondly, Pubs. Why do they insist on putting the toilets upstairs? Is it a sport to them to watch me try to negotiate the stairs when wasted?
Thirdly, blokes. Why the fuck do some blokes have to undo their belts to take a piss at a urinal? Even with my tiny beast I still manage to find and release the little fucker (no pun intended). Really though, what’s that all about?
Check out how I party courtesy of iPhone camera.
And look at this prick…
I bet he even gets laid in these chrome effect shoes. What a twat.
Look who we met in a pub… Ignore the red lighting… It really is a pub. No pay-as-you-go ladies.
I don’t mean soap. Soap is good. People need soap. Soap is clean. We like soap.
What should be banned is soaps. Television soap operas. Tonight I am hostage in my own home. We have visitors. Visitors who all like to watch soaps. Now I am trapped here having to suffer the worst punishment in television. Well, the worst punishment there is apart from the sodding X-Factor.
What I don’t understand is why I am being looked at like I am a miserable git because I can’t stand to be sat here watching fucking soaps. I mean really. I don’t watch fucking soaps normally. Why do I have to watch them just because we have got visitors.
I already caught a look like I am being rude for suggesting I am going to go upstairs, but really… I can’t stand bastard soaps.
So now I am sat here venting silently on here. Thank you WordPress for giving me this outlet. There is every chance if it weren’t for this I would possibly end up committing GBH!
Bastards.
This is getting to be ridiculous. It’s not a case of “so much for global warming” but more a case of “bloody typical it affects us like this”. We seem to have a load of nice beaches so global warning could be a good thing, but no, rather than being able to benefit from it we just seem to have lost our summer altogether. The UK is the new rainforest.
I started the day in a foul mood though. After all, I just had a shower and have come out smelling like a urinal. The shower gel provided is scented by what I can only describe as “eau du toilet block”. I suppose the smell will linger too.
There is another sad sign today of the poor state of the economy as well. Having paid around £20 extra per night for this hotel room I realise they have started to cut corners to save money. One of the perks of having the “Executive Room” used to be some “free” drinks (Still Water, Fizzy Water, can of Coke and a bar of Dairy Milk) as well as free internet. Well it seems in their wisdom this particular Holiday Inn has not gone with the Free Internet and has cut down the size of the chocolate bar and even ditched the can of coke in favour of a “Just Juice”. Cheapskates.
I just saw a piece on the news about a girl who lost her fingers as a toddler and has just received a “bionic hand”. When I saw the thing it was a truly amazing feat of engineering, unfortunately all I could see was a fatal wanking accident waiting to happen. But on a serious note, she looked so happy with it. Kind of makes me wonder what I am moaning about on this blog really.
Ok, thats enough of that. I need a distraction. Ah, there we go, world mobile phone throwing competition in Finland…
07:30 – no smell of violence this morning, just a mild whiff of chav-shit. They don’t seem to have fancied their chances against 15,000 coppers and vigilantes.
But that’s just London. Not wanting to be left out, the scum-of-the-north took a turn last night. One of them on the news today making it sound like “getting free stuff” was a basic human right.
07:42 – Changing the subject somewhat, someone got dressed in the dark this morning. It won’t come out in the picture, but really, navy jacket / charcoal trousers combo?
Your wife is either blind or she doesn’t love you as much as you love her.
Fuck me, I just clocked he’s wearing a chocolate brown shirt as well. Mate, your wife must be having an affair, your clearly not so attractive that she’s letting you look so ridiculous just to put off other women.
07:59 – I’m at Pret. A woman blasts through the doors clutching a book in her hand. She heads straight to the toilet, not for a coffee. This can only mean one thing. She is busting for a shit.
Another thing I don’t get, whilst I am looking around my fellow breakfast-eaters, is blokes who cross their legs at the knee when sitting. I’ve only attempted this a handful of times and I am more than aware that becoming an expert at anything is commonly known to require somewhere in the region of 30,000 hours of practice, but on the few times I have tried it the experience has proven to be immensely uncomfortable. Not in any small way as a result of my “having testicles”. Am I missing a trick here or is the world more3 heavily populated by eunuchs than I would have imagined.
I know, you don’t want to be imagining eunuchs either. So lets go back to yesterday briefly. On my way back from lunch I was stopped by a tourist. She had taken the lead in asking for directions. Her boyfriend (not wearing the trousers) remained in the background, seated on some steps.
“Hexuse me… chwhere his arooods please” she asked.
“Pardon?”
“Arooods, chwhere his eet?”
“Sorry, I don’t know what… oh wait a minute… where am I again? Oh yes, near Knightsbridge. ‘Harrods’ you mean? The shop?” I reply.
“Ah yes… Harroooooods” she repeats (if you can call that repeating).
“I don’t know. Thats Knightsbridge over there, its down there somewhere. Bye”.
What the hell is it with people asking me for directions this week?
08:47 – Back to Riot News. I got some great advice yesterday, from a courier delivery man. He was telling me how the looters were idiots, that a lot of them were just stealing beer from off-licenses etc.
“They are idiots” he pointed out quite needlessly. “They are going around looting small ticket items like beer and wine, but the crime is Looting. It doesn’t matter if they take a bottle of beer or a 50″ screen television, they are going to get done for the same crime. What they want to do is go around to the Louis Vuitton shop around the corner. I deliver around there all the time, its only got a shutter at the back, 15 minutes working on that and your in to Aladdin’s Cave!”.
06:59 – there is nothing quite like heading into a city of unrest to help you wake up in the morning. Fingers crossed the thieving idiots are too knackered to show their faces until the working day has passed, I’ve got enough to be thinking about today without considering starring in my own action movie “Escape from London”.
07:43 – people I am now eyeing with suspicion:
These looters couldn’t get enough milk:
Some more Blackberry users making plans for tonight…
I know they look like business suits, don’t be fooled. They are tracksuits darkened by the soot from the fires they set last night.
15:37 – I’m hearing one too many sirens, seeing one to many riot vans stuffed with frightened looking police and staying one too many hours more than I would like in Central London. I hope they don’t start on Hammersmith, my car and only means of escape is there.
20:17 – Membury Services, M4 Eastbound. I’ve just entered the men’s toilets, the characteristic smell of piss is turning my guts. I just rejected one cubicle. No seat. I don’t need the seat, I’ve selected a cubicle because I like my privacy. There was also a solitary segment of floating poo.
I moved to the next one, this just had a fallen pube marinating in a puddle of urine. I thought service stations in the UK were improving.
The manager of this one needs sacking.
themiseryguts 