New Years Sanctimonious gits

Posted: January 16, 2012 in New Years Resolutions, Running, Smug Gits, Sport
Tags: , ,
0

You know the ones. Joggers. New Years Joggers. A vile and disgusting species. You only see them in January, perhaps a few remain in February, they can be found on almost every street and any time of day, though mostly its evenings.
They will be bobbing along with smug looks on their puffed out red-faces wearing the most disgustingly tight-fitting-lycra-based trousers and brightly coloured tops, kitted out in clothing that will spend the rest of the year being eaten by moths in the back of their wardrobes.

Why is it that they look so pleased with themselves anyway? I can only imagine its the feeling of having got one up on the vultures that run commercial gyms who trap other less fortunate people with their joining fees and minimum 12 month contracts.

“Look at me, look how committed I am, I am out here running. I don’t care that its raining, I am here soaked by a mix of sweat and rain because I have made a new years resolution to get healthy. For a month or two.”

I have two words to say to you people…. “FUCK OFF”.

Fat Santa Shortage?

Posted: December 17, 2011 in Seasonal
Tags: , ,
1

In this country marred by an epidemic of obesity and massive unemployment how the hell is it that there seems to be a shortage of fat old blokes to take the part of Father Christmas?

Take this bloke for example…

20111217-183654.jpg

I’m not criticising his overall levels of motivation, the guy has been sat there for at least five hours with a never ending line of snot-nosed kids all taking turns to glare at him in a manner that’s accusing and dubious about his Saint Nicholas credentials. Quite rightly so and all. Take my five year old daughter.. She was under no illusions that he was the real deal. And while we’re at it,

that is no magic chimney, it’s got a speaker in it!

But really, there must be loads of fat old blokes who could have played the part, or are they all sat at home stinking of fags, piss and stale beer?

There’s not much hohoho coming from this famine stricken father Christmas!

Bah humbug!

Merry Christmas one and all… except you Mr Jehovah and you Mr Muslim and you Mr….. you get my point.

Posted: December 14, 2011 in general annoyances, Religion
1

This is what I am calling a “Public Service rant”, I am standing up for all the children in religious families from non-Christian backgrounds.  The children who have to see their friends getting lots of lovely new gifts every December and have to sit by with nothing new to play with on December 25th.

I am not a Christian, I am not religious at all and I fully believe that whatever religion  you are you should be able to believe it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.

The thing is, despite not being religious, I still celebrate Christmas.  There is very little to do with religion that goes on in this house around December time, at least, not knowingly.  For example, what have Norway Spruce trees got to do with a baby being born in the Middle East?  Also, what has tinsel and multi-coloured lights got to do with any of it?  I get that the gifts thing has some relation to the birth of Christ but I can assure you that this small fact does not figure even slightly in the equation that results in me lying to my kids about some fat-bloke with a beard dressed in red followed by an army of midgets bringing presents down the chimney on my credit card each year.

As for filling my face with all manner of turkey based meal combinations, getting properly wasted on booze with my friends and family.  Ok, family, I have no friends, I alienated them all years ago.  Well, I can be sure that this side of Christmas also does not in any way have a religious flavour.

So I say to those who don’t have decorations up, who are using their religious beliefs to save a few quid by not pretending to be a fat beardie bearing gifts, get off your high horse, realise that you don’t have to be celebrating the religious side of things and join the fucking party.  Stop being such a miserable git and certainly DO NOT take offence at the school nativity play.

School Uniforms

Posted: December 9, 2011 in Fashion, general annoyances, Travel
Tags: , ,
0

A few days ago I was at the kids school (as opposed to what you may ask?) and I was getting really annoyed at just how damned scruffy they all look these days.
Most of them wearing sweatshirts, polo shirts and trainers instead of shoes.
Some of the girls wear the same as the boys, others wear frilly blouses bought from cheap shops styled like mini office workers. It’s less like a uniform and more like gang colours.

Now contrast that with what I’ve seen today in London. Posh kids dressed in blazers, shirts and ties. But the most ridiculous bit? It’s 4 degrees outside, the boy of about seven years old was wearing shorts. But it’s ok, just in case you were thinking that this wasn’t bad enough, he was wearing knee high socks.
Who are the biggest bastards? The school or his parents? Personally I blame the parents, after all, I doubt the school are responsible for his ridiculous bouffant hairdo.
Wedgies anybody?

Chilled Puke

0

£2.35 for a pot of cold congealed tramps vomit seems a bit steep for me. There are plenty of tramps around in London, I could surely have found one and agreed a much lower price and got it straight from source. I’m sure that despite Starbucks best efforts at Fair Trade dealing I would have given the poor sod a better deal too.

20111208-084202.jpg

Ok. So perhaps I would have had the additional problem of having to source my own packaging. I don’t routinely carry spare Tupperware with me on my travels, and I would have missed the frankly too warm refuge provided by this particular branch of Starbucks. But then I could have heard the latest news on the best places to procure Special Brew at discounted rates. At the very least I could have listened to my own choice of music.

Anyway, it’s 08:46 and it’s a five minute walk to the office. Time to leave out the grumping and get on to something guaranteed to make me pissed off…

Posted: December 8, 2011 in Food, Travel, Work
Tags:

Smogsmell.

Posted: November 29, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,
0

The smell is in the air, its the smell of approaching London. I can’t really describe it as anything other than the smell of London. It always hits you when you are getting close to “town” on the train.
You don’t notice the smell when you are there, only when you arrive.
It’s a smell I would rather not know of, because I don’t like London. I prefer to stay outside of this place. We just spent the weekend there, I got back on Sunday and now I am almost there again.

The place is full of bloody nutters. Tourists. Knob-heads.

We spent the bulk of the weekend fighting crowds. It’s so stressful, I don’t know how the people who live there can stand it. We saw a show, it was Wicked. No, really, it was Wicked, the show’s name. I should invoke trade-descriptions as it was basically mediocre, far from wicked. I would say it was “sick” but these days “the kids” have decided that “sick” is a good thing. “I got that sick new iPhone 4S” for example. Really? Sick? FFS!

The good news about being in London, there are going to be numerous opportunities for me to post. That’s a good thing for the four people per day on average who look at this thing.

Perhaps I can find something to photograph to spice things up. Test out this new phone on my camera. Introduce you to some new people. I bet you can’t wait.

Lawyers4Losers

Posted: November 17, 2011 in general annoyances, Lies, Personal Trainers, Sport
Tags: , , ,
0

This morning I am in Swansea. Its lovely weather for November, a bit cold but really sunny. I am in a hotel with a gym in it. There are many things wrong in here.

First of all I am in the coffee shop. The personal trainers from the gym are coming in for cake and coffee. They are mostly fat bastards. What are they training people for? Sumo Wrestling?

I am sat a short distance from a group of solicitors. On the face of things there is nothing wrong here but they are discussing a case they’ve been working on. Quite loudly. I really wouldn’t want this lot representing me, from the non-work based conversation going on it sounds like they are avid watchers of such mindless crap as “The Only Way is Essex” and “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of here”.

When I get arrested somebody remind me to ask some very basic questions of my lawyers. I don’t care what qualifications you have or what cases you have won. Just don’t be a fan of shite “reality” tv or celebrity bollocks.

WHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHTHISCOUNTRY???

0

Seriously. Apple pissing me off again. Within 15 minutes of taking 4S orders they have both failed to take reservations and also run out. It’s a farce.

Secondly, Pubs. Why do they insist on putting the toilets upstairs? Is it a sport to them to watch me try to negotiate the stairs when wasted?

Thirdly, blokes. Why the fuck do some blokes have to undo their belts to take a piss at a urinal? Even with my tiny beast I still manage to find and release the little fucker (no pun intended). Really though, what’s that all about?

Check out how I party courtesy of iPhone camera.

20111102-212704.jpg

And look at this prick…

I bet he even gets laid in these chrome effect shoes. What a twat.

20111102-222556.jpg

Look who we met in a pub… Ignore the red lighting… It really is a pub. No pay-as-you-go ladies.

Posted: November 2, 2011 in Customer Service, general annoyances, Technology, Travel
Tags: ,

Good Night Guarantee…. you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me!?!

Posted: October 31, 2011 in Customer Service, Technology, Travel
Tags: , ,
1

Tonight I am slumming it.  I am staying at a Premier Inn.  This is something I am doing fairly reluctantly.  These places aren’t too bad, but they just aren’t homely.  Unless your home happens to be a prison cell.

I just hope that I don’t get a cell-mate reminiscent of Lenny Henry appearing to kick me off the top bunk.

Anyway, enough about the hotel, this isn’t about the hotel.  I am here to sleep.  To shower.  To eat breakfast.

My gripe tonight, what will be ruining my evening, what will spoil my night in a way that the Premier Inn “Good Night Guarantee” won’t cover is the piss poor customer service I am getting at the Apple Store.

Isn’t the Apple Store supposed to provide the ultimate retail experience?  Aren’t they supposed to care about their customers?  Particularly the sort of customer that is, well… me?  Here I am sat, using my 17″ Macbook Pro connected to the interweb through my iPhone’s tethering with my iPad safely nestling in my laptop bag.  At home my iMac is serving my two Apple TV’s through an Apple Airport network whilst being backed up by my Apple Time Capsule.  You get the idea.  I like Apple kit and I am heavily invested in Apple with my music, TV and Movies being served up by Apple.

So why the fuck is it that they choose to treat me with such contempt?  Have they just let things slide the minute Steve Jobs (RIP – of course) turned his back?

The problem is that I want NEED an iPhone 4S.  No really, I do.  My 3GS is now well overdue an upgrade.  It’s battery fails to last even a single day and I really do want those shiny new features.  Apple however don’t want to sell me one.  Not even at the near extortionate price of £699.  Bastards.

I can of course reserve one on-line for pickup from an Apple Store, but for some reason I can only reserve one for pickup after from 8am through 12pm.  My problem is I cannot collect it until 8pm.  No way, not at all.  So I call the Apple Store to explain to them that I will indeed come and pick it up.  I even tell them the exact time I will arrive.  But no.  I am not allowed to pick it up at my convenience.  Even with a reservation.

Well, to cut a long rant short…  FUCK YOU APPLE.  Time to try out Android!  You drove me to this.  Surely your phone isn’t even THAT good right?  I mean £699-and-you-still-won’t-let-me-buy-it-good?

There is a reason the Apple logo is missing a bite… somebody tried the apple, found it had a sour taste and left the rest behind.

Disabled?

Posted: October 8, 2011 in Uncategorized
0

Since when does being a fat bastard (or cow) mean that you are disabled? Every time I go shopping I see cars parked in the disabled bays all badged up, it always makes makes me wonder how come there are so many “disabled” people in this country.
Then I see him / her. A (please forgive the contradiction in terms here) healthy able-bodied fat-fuck!

What is with that? Since when does not being able to fit into regular sized clothing make you disabled? Since when does not being able to see your own penis make you disabled? Since when does having a second chin as a bib make you disabled?

If you can fucking walk you should be fucking walking. Don’t go parking in the disabled bays where genuinely disabled people need to be.
Oh hang on, I do think I just worked it out… those disabled bays are so much wider than the regular ones. Perhaps this is the work of the insurance companies, protecting the doors of other motorists veichles? After all the fat buggers may dent your door and scratch your paint as they get their cake loving backsides out of the car and squeeze through to the shop to restock their cupboards with more lard.

Older Entries
Newer Entries