Sham Marriage

Posted: August 9, 2011 in marriage
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19:36 – As London burns and chaos reigns supreme, I am sat in the hotel restaurant awaiting my food.
To my left is a retired Scottish couple, they are, without a doubt, the politest people I have ever seen.
They are discussing what sharing platters to order and it’s a constant negotiation with each of them taking their turn to say what they want, checking first if it’s ok with the other.
It’s making me sick. Who do they think they are kidding? This is not how married people behave!

“well I am fancying the vegetarian sharing platter, how does that work for you?” she asks.

“yes, I think that works fine” he replies.

Bullshit! I know what he is really thinking.

“great, you want the vegetarian platter do you? So now I have to look forward to vegetarian farts from your aged arse.”

“yes, the dollar is one of the most reliable currencies around” he says.

“yesssss” she replies.

Hmm, dubious, I think she means…

“you boring bastard, no wonder I had to order the large glass of wine, it’s barely enough to numb my pain”.

“you see, the thing is we are not in the town. We’re not in the resort, it’s just outside. But that’s good you see because, being in the middle of it all is not our thing…” she says.

“no, you’re right” he says.

Mate, you’re convincing no one. You were really thinking…

“are you serious? You miserable cow, if I wasn’t stuck with you I’d be right there in the middle of it all, lusting after all that 20’s to 30’s flesh that I will never know again. God I’m depressed, I’m sitting here discussing the quality of our last holidays tour guide when… Oh sod it, pass me that artichoke. What do you mean no? It’s bloody mine!”

All I am thinking now is… Dare I take a photo for the blog?

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The smell of rioting in the morning (London)

Posted: August 9, 2011 in general annoyances, Travel
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06:59 – there is nothing quite like heading into a city of unrest to help you wake up in the morning. Fingers crossed the thieving idiots are too knackered to show their faces until the working day has passed, I’ve got enough to be thinking about today without considering starring in my own action movie “Escape from London”.

07:43 – people I am now eyeing with suspicion:

  • people younger than me
  • people in hoods
  • people who look tired
  • people carrying shopping bags
  • people using blackberrys (to be honest, I’ve long been weary of blackberry users, though typically it’s the ones in suits not the ones in hoods that bothered me).

These looters couldn’t get enough milk:

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Some more Blackberry users making plans for tonight…

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I know they look like business suits, don’t be fooled. They are tracksuits darkened by the soot from the fires they set last night.

15:37 – I’m hearing one too many sirens, seeing one to many riot vans stuffed with frightened looking police and staying one too many hours more than I would like in Central London. I hope they don’t start on Hammersmith, my car and only means of escape is there.

Motorway Services

Posted: August 8, 2011 in general annoyances, men, Travel, Work
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20:17 – Membury Services, M4 Eastbound. I’ve just entered the men’s toilets, the characteristic smell of piss is turning my guts. I just rejected one cubicle. No seat. I don’t need the seat, I’ve selected a cubicle because I like my privacy. There was also a solitary segment of floating poo.
I moved to the next one, this just had a fallen pube marinating in a puddle of urine. I thought service stations in the UK were improving.
The manager of this one needs sacking.

Back on the road

Posted: July 26, 2011 in general annoyances, Travel, Work
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08:49 – it’s nice to be back on the road, travelling for work. No really, it is, seriously, I’ve just spent the night sharing my hotel room with a large spider that the previous occupants had squashed on the wall as well as another, identical one (presumably it’s twin brother) that I squashed onto the opposite wall.
I’m now dining on the last of my M&S breakfast, the fruit course that should instead be labelled “Tasteless Grapes”.

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I will soon have to do battle with the customer, it’s been more than two years since I was last here. It’s the only customer I’ve visited where I ended up agreeing to drop the charge and it wasn’t even my fault that things didn’t work out.
Unfortunately for them, the next people they got in made a right mess of things and now they’ve come crawling back. Fingers crossed the bloke I worked with last time I was here has found employment elsewhere, I can’t be doing with that again. Worse still I think I may be wearing the dame shirt as last time I was here. It has been washed. Honest.

19:25 – there’s a coach trip in. What is it about old people and coach trips? I’m hoping I will find out. Another thing I am looking forward to is that sense of entitlement. Entitlement to be rude.
Once again I’ve found myself standing aside to allow the old person to pass by, a stupid mistake in it’s self as I know I’m quicker than the creaky old cow, only to be ignored completely.
Maybe it’s not entitlement, maybe she can just see the look of resentment on my face.

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23:03 – just finished watching “Firewall” starring Harrison Ford and “Chloe” from 24. I approve, though it’s not one you’d want to watch again.
Some seriously suspect flaws in the “hacking” scenes though. I’d also really hate to live in America, all their computers seem to bleep continuously as screens refresh and televisions always click loudly when turned on or off, not to mention the hissing sound when changing channels. Misery, utter misery.

Table hogging shits and teenage sluts

Posted: July 23, 2011 in general annoyances
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11:58 – I’m at M&S Cafe with my boy, reflecting on the selfish nature of pensioners.
I’ve Fallen foul of their evil ways a few times today, it started when I left the house and got to a junction, I waited for an old bloke, allowing him to cross. He repaid my kindness by refusing to even look at me, let alone acknowledge the fact that I let him go.
I should have revved my engine, whee spun past him and left him standing in a cloud of dust complete with pants full of his own excrement. Twat.

But back yo the cafe, here I am watching as countless OAP’s come in to the small cafe and split into separate directions. Those who will sit and keep the table and those who will queue for food and drinks.
Meanwhile, people who are not complete shits are coming off the queue complete with food and drink only to find nowhere to sit and an army of bare-tabled-coffin-dodgers staring back at them.

On the other end of the spectrum there are a number of semi nude teenage girls in here, jailbait. It should be illegal to show so much flesh if it’s illegal to touch it. I realise that statement is completely wrong sounding but I need to get my point across. You don’t advertise cigarettes and alcohol by showing kids smoking and getting wandered in the park right?
On the other hand, these ones are ginger, perhaps that assumes a lack of interest in general.

Non cancellable hotels

Posted: July 22, 2011 in general annoyances
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I never ever book a non cancellable hotel in relation to work travel. Too many times plans have been cancelled.
So last night I did go against my rule. It was a choice influenced by economics. I told myself it would be safe. It’s so close to the time of the booking nothing could possibly change.
Well it’s called Sods Law for a reason. some sod will always come along and fuck up your plans.

Working From Home

Posted: July 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
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14:08 – I have nothing of consequence to report today, I’ve spent most of the day on the phone, a regular feature of “working from home”, and we have builders outside who take more breaks than even kit-kat would recommend.

18:41 – Just been outside and reviewed the builders progress, I have no idea what they are thinking but they have cunningly stopped building the wall about a foot and a half short of the end of the garden, this leaves a lovely person width gap for someone to climb in to our garden through. That will involve an interesting discussion tomorrow when they come back.
Finally, the mystery of the unexplained lack of weight gain during the two week pig-out-fest of a holiday is explained also. No protein shakes on holiday seems to have been the cause. I just discovered today that these shakes are 430 calories each. No wonder the three course meals barely made a difference when the shakes were taken out of the equation.

Back to work

Posted: July 18, 2011 in Mentally Ill?, Travel
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Imagine a string vest, now imagine a knitted jumper in the style of a string vest, so basically it’s a woollen jumper with a fishnet effect, lots of big gaps in it to see what lies below.
Now, consider that when driving through Llanelli and passing a sixty-odd year old woman weighing about 17 stone with breasts like deflated beach-balls who clearly was not all there in the head, you may understand why my day is off to a bad start.
Oh, did I mention she was ONLY wearing the see-through jumper?

Emergency Unit

Posted: July 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I’ve been waiting for hours at A&E, I’d much prefer to be in bed. I’m here because at 16:30 i started to feel queasy. Within an hour I was “ill in the toilet” (sorry) and within a further hour I was violently sick with a rather large helping of blood.
I felt immediately better but the blood was quite a worry, there was rather a lot of it.
Foolishly I turned to google, the font of all knowledge, the ultimate doctor. With my symptoms it could be only one thing. Anthrax. I’m going to die. That’s what it told me.
My wife urged me to go to A&E (before my googling), I’m finally convinced I should at least check it out. I don’t think it’s Anthrax, not really, but now there’s just enough doubt.
It’s far more likely that it’s the (stale) popcorn from the cinema this morning, the blood just caused doubt.
I’m feeling fine now, I should be out on the piss with my brother. Fuck. The doctors are visibly younger than me now. That’s cheered me up.

When the sick came up it was last in first out, boeuf bouringion, followed by mint poppets and then chief-suspect-number-one, the popcorn. Annoyingly it also contained a glass of fairly expensive french burgundy. Well, the contents of the glass anyway, if it had been the glass it would have explained the blood.
“have I got news for you” just started so the wait won’t feel so long in the next half hour.
Ten minutes past and the doctor calked me in. They’ve offered to take blood but I would have to stay for the results. I feel good and am fed up so I declined.
He then asked if I minded him “checking my back passage”, I replied that it would be the highlight of my week.
“please lay on the bed and pull down your trousers” he said.
“pull them down and get on the bed?” I replied.
“no, you can take them down once on the bed, to maintain your privacy” he confirmed.
I climbed on the bed and started to undo my trousers.
“I’m less worried about my privacy and more worried about you sticking your finger up my arse.” I said.
I wait a moment as he lubes up.
“please bend your knees and loosen up.”
“easy for you to say” I replied, “that said, however bad this is for me, it’s worse for you.”
He laughed at this, confirmed that all was ok and that I could go home.
I’m only allowed to drink milk tonight, I’m bloody starving. If anything happens again I have to go straight back to the hospital.

It feels a bit like a wasted night. I do feel a bit less worried now.

On the down-side, I got a finger up my arse, but on the up-side, I got a finger up my arse.

3D Movies

Posted: July 16, 2011 in Cinema
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15:19 – went to watch a 3D film today, Transformers 3D, dark of the moon.

The film was longer than it needed to be and the “hot female lead” is a bit weird looking.

3D is interesting but it didn’t really do anything to lift it above gimmick status, at times it’s even distracting. I’ll stick to 2D from now on.

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