Tenerife holiday – day fourteen, going home

Posted: July 15, 2011 in holidays
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09:11 – last pancake breakfast inside and we are now on the bus. A tearful teenage gay-boy sits opposite in his plimsoles and MC Hammer trousers (odd). I don’t suppose his parents realise, even with the clue of another teenage boy crying outside the bus waving camply.

The scrum will be on at the airport, so long as we have seats together and space for the trunkies in the overhead compartment I won’t be too miserable.

21:27 – A summary update:

  • No flight delays
  • Airport food over-priced, conning Spanish bastards
  • Stupid rules regarding weight of suitcase requiring re-packing in departures
  • Got on plane 4th in line, plenty of room for trunkies
  • Pilot was surely a junior, dodgy take off and landing
  • Drive home stuck in traffic, had to put up with “are we there yet” style comments from the kids
  • Arrived home, found back garden dug up by JCB (less progress than expected) and front garden with new bright orange fence (unexpected).
  • Happiness to be home somewhat ruined by boy throwing water all over the bathroom in true return to form.
  • Weather shite, wish I was back with the troughing chavs in the lovely weather.

Time for bed soon, lets just get the kids off first, I’m knackered now.

 

Tenerife holiday – day thirteen

Posted: July 14, 2011 in holidays
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07:09 – it’s my last towel run. It’s always going to be a little bit of a downer on the last day of a holiday, but most of us will be glad to get home now and make our own food and even clean our own bogs (my wife may not agree with this one and would even challenge me on the last time I cleaned a toilet).
We will be leaving behind sun, (black) sand and Sandra (all the fat chavs are called Sandra) to go back to work, work and more work. So it does kind if suck.

On the positive side there is theBritish weather to think of. Ok, maybe not. But my waistline will have time to recover as my tan fades taking my newly enhanced looks with it (it’s true, everyone looks better with a tan, except David Dickinson, your orange mate).

Anyway, I’ve only taken two sunbeds today, the kids will be at Shrek’s swamp party this morning, we will be packing, then it’s lunch, soft-play (an out-doors version before you get all worked up) and finally, the pool.

It’s surprising just how many women come out in their pyjamas to sort out their baking trays for the day. Is putting on yesterday’s shorts and top that difficult?

People all around me are now re-arranging the poolside, the sound of plastic scraping on marble (I think it’s marble, just not the shiny sort) isn’t something to miss, though I could record it and use it as my ringtone. I’ve heard worse.

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The kids will be most annoyed that their game of “golf” has been ruined.

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10:34 – I’m stuffed, roll me away please. I ate six pancakes with banana, chocolate sauce and cream today and I did it out of spite. I wanted less but after being forced to queue (twice) and being queue jumped and to top it all off, having to suffer a German bloke using his wife as a beach towel to keep his place in the line, well, I was feeling vindictive.

11:11 – I can see a ginger guy who I shall name Russ Abbott. He looks just like him. That takes me back a bit.

Tenerife holiday – day twelve

Posted: July 13, 2011 in holidays
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07:57 – a luck escape on the pre-booked “early breakfast” this morning. Another guest told me they had seen them putting them out the night before. Nice. Ham, quiche, yoghurt. Mmmmmm.

13:14 – parrots that ride bikes and do jigsaw puzzles. Dolphins that fetch rings from the pool floor whilst blind-folded (interesting image) and the fuckwit humans can’t even queue properly, dress properly or even understand that smoking is a fucking disgusting habit that is killing them and their children. And it is making me rage.

17:02 – a pretty good day. Some good shows. Whales were amazing.
People are the biggest animals there. The way they behave when there’s something to get is appalling.

Tenerife holiday – day eleven

Posted: July 12, 2011 in holidays
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08:33 – no sunbeds today. I failed to get out of bed, I watched an episode of House at 12:15am and at 1:00am I was still wide awake.
And what did we learn children? No drinking cans of coke before bed.

We went down to the local fiesta last night, bought the kids an old-school giant candy-floss on a stick. Probably for moneysaving reasons we can now only buy the stuff by the bag at home.
Everything is ruined at home.

We went to a waiter service restaurant yesterday evening, thinking this would be a nice change. It sort of was but some smart arse informed the place it was my birthday and they brought out a cake and proceeded to make everybody in the place sing me happy birthday. Five minutes of what my purgatory would likely look like. I was really looking forward to a peaceful apple pie.

10:19 – when my sister-in-law emerged around an hour ago she cast her eyes around us as a group and walked off muttering something about “feeling really conspicuous”. She emerged three minutes later in a different outfit with what can best be described as “church coat pegs”. Not at all conspicuous.

12:26 – there was just a little boy of around three years old (scottish, of course) looking forlorn with one of the Spanish reps asking him where his mummy is. First my wife went over to help and then I did to as she was having no luck.
He tells me his sister brought him down and now she is gone. He is very concerned that the door is locked. Eventually he tells me that he knows where his room is so we send him off with the rep to find them.
Some five minutes later the rep returns, it turns out the sister was just four years old and had gone back to the pool. The parents were apparently sunning themselves poolside apparently unaware their three year old son had vanished.
A further few minutes on a miserable woman appears with the three year old boy and a couple if little girls. Reluctantly been forced to spend some time looking after her kids.
Stupid cow doesn’t deserve to have kids.

19:31 – nice day spent with the kids all-in-all. Saw Shrek when out and about. Nice to see he takes time out from the swamp every now and then.

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21:48 – early night. Loro Park tomorrow, early start, reserved an early breakfast and packed lunch.
Also performed a bit of community service by suitably lowering the expectations of some new arrivals to the hotel.

Tenerife holiday – day ten

Posted: July 11, 2011 in holidays
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06:56 – I was told yesterday “well tomorrow you’ll be another year older”, I bloody well hope not. So I had to point out that I will actually be just another day older.
Thankfully birthdays are not some sort of magical time warp, they are simply the flipping over of a calendar, if your lucky, with presents.

07:27 – a fat German tosser just took ten sunbeds using four of his rooms bath towels and one hand towel. What an arsewipe. We have the last laugh however as the cleaners don’t replace your towels if they are not in the room.
I bagsy not sitting next to them for dinner tonight.

07:58 – no apple juice left, I can cope with this in it’s self but when I walk around the abandoned tables I am seeing glass after glass full of apple juice (amongst other) that the greedy shits here have poured for themselves and not even bothered to drink. It makes me sick seeing the waste here, they seem to think it’s ok as it’s “all free”.
No wonder the restaurant staff all look like they hate us. This is what they see all day, every day. Plates stuffed full by greedy bastards, going straight in the bin.

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Talk about having no shame, there’s a forty-something woman in the distance wearing a Take That t-shirt. Go hang your head in the corner.

10:07 – I think I’ve just witnessed a tender moment between two people, something that I don’t think I will ever experience. And what a shame that would be. A lovely family moment where a wife passed her “butt” to her husband so he could smoke the remaining soggy end. As public displays of affection go, this one quite possibly turned my guts more than any other.

Just opposite a Spanish mother has her two sons totally naked, applying suncream to them. It wouldn’t be so bad but they are 17 and 23 years old. Ok I’m joking, they are about 3 and 7. The seven year old is surely too old to be “rudey nudey” in public, and she really should tell him not to play with it (the birds will come and peck it off…), but one thing it has confirmed, my own boy, at three years old is quite the trouser snake.
That’s enough of that. FFS woman, get them dressed.

10:46 – how long is breakfast?
That’s it decided, it seems that I was right, mr ten-sun-beds-five-towels is in fact a kraut. Am I allowed to say kraut?
They’ve convinced me that if I’m ever divorced I’m moving to Germany. Out of the four couples to show up, there are three very attractive women partnered with three very out of shape men. They don’t look particularly rich.
I just looked “kraut” up on Wikipedia and confirmed that it is derogatory. So I apologise, but they do sort of deserve it with their towel/bed policy. And now they have just claimed an eleventh.

Tenerife holiday – day nine

Posted: July 10, 2011 in holidays
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06:03 – we were planning on doing something other than lounge by the pool today so I didn’t need to be awake early, unfortunately some “el knobheado” is setting off a hundred fireworks down at the beach. BANG. BANG. BANGBANG.
Twats.

11:03 – I think we can safely say we’ve identified the loud Scottish arseholes (got nothing against the Scottish per-se, it just happens to be fact here) that woke us all up at 12:15 last night. There’s 40th birthday banners all over their apartment.
Revenge would be sweet, thinking of sending the boy to play outside their rooms to screw with their hangovers.

13:03 – waiting for lunch at a harbour restaurant in Los Gigantes. A couple of bel-ends on Harleys just pulled up outside and stank the place out with fumes. They were clearly thinking that everyone was looking at them out of admiration of their free-spirited ways, the unfortunate truth is that we were all wondering if the stinking rowdy machine actually did make his penis appear larger at all.

The harbour beach was the place to go for topless spotting. Thong-girl was there from the hotel. She was “very naaaiiiisss” (imagine Borat accent).

Others following us from the hotel included Choc-Drop, this was the nicer of the nicknames that came up for a girl with a big beauty spot on her face, we opted for this as she seemed nice, had she been a smoker we may have stuck with “Shitstain”.

13:55 – huge fish!

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15:11 – race relations are good in the islands…

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19:25 – just stretching, I need to be warmed up and nimble to battle with the deep-fried-everything brigade.

20:06 – just saw Dorothy from the wizard of oz. Nice red shoes. Silly silly fashion decision. Liked the White dress though.

In other mistakes, the woman wearing the industrial strength bra should have worm a different dress, straps outside of dress.

21:20 – in one ear I have bingo, in the other I’ve got mini-disco. Entertainment bliss. Is suicide less painful? Suppose it depends on the chosen method.

21:59 – I’m stood on a wall, my beer glass is empty and I’m watching some sort of Spanish dancing whilst the other uncultured swines are watching some low quality comedy show. If I look really closely I can see the dancers boobs. No bra. Quality entertainment.

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Tenerife holiday: day eight

Posted: July 9, 2011 in holidays
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09:40 – ugh. I’ve been forced to have late breakfast due to wifely illness. I want to take a baseball bat and swing it around indiscriminately. They are like cattle in here again.
You would think that the food in display is the last food available on the planet.
I’m thinking of asking the hotel to put up signs reminding everyone that the food is constantly replenished. Sadly this would be a wasted effort as the fat fucks can’t see past their swollen cheeks, the overeating has caused their eyes to close up, they locate their next feed using a combination of sound and smell.

09:50 – some of the Spanish have cracking beards, but they really should sort them out before going poolside in their bikinis.

13:21 – they’ve all gone for lunch, I’m by the pool with the kids. This is ok as they are playing nicely… For now.

I have a game to play. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘M’.
‘mothers?’ – no!
‘morons?’ – no!
‘moobs?’ – YES!!! Some of the men here have better boobs than the laydees.

Some more smokers have made their way on to my shitlist today. I dont reckon they would be best pleased if I backed up to their faces and unleashed a hell of farts on their senses.
I’m pretty sure they’d be disgusted, well, ditto asswipes.

20:41 – Fat kids = child abuse. There’s no excuse. Zero tolerance.
It’s nit glandular, your feeding the fat little shits too damned much.

Spotted 3 ex-cockroaches today. Nice.

And in nicer things that happened today, got my back rubbed by a bronzed beauty, albeit a tattooed one.
Why do nice looking girls get their boobs tattooed? Who cares what the munters do!?

Annoying T-Shirts with Slogans

Posted: July 8, 2011 in general annoyances, men
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Something that causes me daily pain is grown men wearing t-shirts with ridiculous slogans on, here is my list of ones that piss me off:

1.

MAKE
SOME
THING
COOL

I mean really… WTF is that about?

2.

THE NEXT
ROUND IS
NOT MINE

Really? Sod off then you spongeing git!

3.

CAMP DAVID

What’s that? Your nickname?

4.

EASY
YOUR
LIFE

I’m starting to get the idea that these must all be foreign t-shirts as none of the slogans make much sense. It must be “cool” to have random English words on your clothes. By the same stylee I have a beach towel that cleverly states “La Plage”, but at least this attempts to hint at it’s intended use.

5. I found one that I do like:

PARTICLE
PHYSICS
GIVES ME
A HADRON

Heh heh. Nice.

Tenerife holiday: day seven

Posted: July 8, 2011 in holidays
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6:00 – I’m back on sunbed duty soon. Somewhere at the back of my mind the mission impossible tune is playing and it’s getting louder.
Just a few more minutes in bed and I’ll be off. Dum dum, dum dumdum dum, dum dum dum.

06:28 – the towels are down. I’ve had to be a two-towel-bastard this morning because the other so-called grownups here with me can’t be trusted to keep track of their own towels. Look. Look at the monster you’ve made me into.
I just noticed that someone beat me here this morning, I’m looking forward to hearing those German voices later on.

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07:52 – There’s two dogs fighting on a bit of wasteland over there. Is it illegal for dogs to fight willingly?

08:20 – everyone is still in bed, I’ve done breakfast and I’m back at the pool. Just noticed a new sign has been erected (heh he I said erect) with the rules of the pool on it.

“prohibdo reservado de sunbedo”

or words to that effect. The writing must be too small or the signs not near enough to the troughs as it’s having no impact.

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08:29 – things that are bugging me:

1. Branded Chavs, namely “Bench”, “G Star Raw” and my personal least-favourite “super dry”. The sheep truly are stupid. Please mr global enterprise, please take my money in exchange for some overpriced wearable advertising.

2. It’s grown men wearing football shirts, in particular the over 40’s who really should know better.

3. Changing the tune for a moment, it’s persistent flies. Bat them away and they land on your other leg. It’s not a fricking game.

4. Autocorrect on the iPhone. Does it assume everyone is a geek or just me?

5. Back to non-fashion and we have t-shirts with slogans on. I may have to compile a special list for this but here is the one that set me off:

MAKE
SOME
THING
COOL

I mean really, WTF? He was foreign, perhaps he thought it said something humorous like

I’M
WITH
STUPID
<—-

09:38 – holidays are strange. When else would everyone walk around effectively in their underwear and engage in conversations with similarly underdressed strangers in a queue for "free" drinks?
And why are there always so many Scottish on holiday? Is there anyone actually in Scotland? I've never been there to find out but I suspect it's a mix of Eastern Europeans keeping the wheels turning and English making sure that what few scots are left don't get any ideas above their station, crazy things like implementing their own laws or running their own economy.

14:54 – three drinks kicked over in five-minutes, too many tantrums and one set of fed up adults. The kids have been sent to kids club. Peace at last!
Now i am in the gym, trying to make sure I'm calm by pick up time in one hour.

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15:12 – I hate the smell of rubber dumbbells. It’s not good to breathe deeply.

Tenerife Holiday: day six

Posted: July 7, 2011 in Featured, holidays
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10:19 – stopped at a high altitude cafe for a wee break. We ate well above the clouds now and have just been informed by our driver that we are well overdue an eruption, I asked if he’d had a bad curry last night.

Our little girl is disappointed the driver smokes. She won’t talk to him for the rest of the morning.

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11:21 – we are up the volcano now. I’ve got a full strength 3G mobile signal. WTF is wrong with Britain?? We can’t even get voice calls half a mile from the house!!!

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14:26 – you would be forgiven for thinking we had been beamed back home. It’s drizzly and cold and blooming miserable. We are now at the same altitude as the clouds and luckily for us we’ve been abandoned right in the middle of a right soggy git of a cloud.
Half of the group have gone off to ride camels and the rest of us are left to get achey joints in the damp, like pensioners waiting for a bus.

Somehow I am now feeling a but more forgiving and even a little nostalgic for the many Africans that were trying to sell me their knockoff sunglasses yesterday afternoon.

Have a picture of some weather…

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18:51 – great news, the News of the World is no more, it doesn’t affect me really though.

Jeep Safari was a great success and was a vast improvement on yesterday’s public transport adventure.

The boy is a miserable moaning git, contemplating leaving him for the binmen.

We had Chinese food last night, not bad. Looking forward to seeing tonight’s delights.

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