themiseryguts

07:30 – no smell of violence this morning, just a mild whiff of chav-shit. They don’t seem to have fancied their chances against 15,000 coppers and vigilantes.

But that’s just London. Not wanting to be left out, the scum-of-the-north took a turn last night. One of them on the news today making it sound like “getting free stuff” was a basic human right.

07:42 – Changing the subject somewhat, someone got dressed in the dark this morning. It won’t come out in the picture, but really, navy jacket / charcoal trousers combo?
Your wife is either blind or she doesn’t love you as much as you love her.

Fuck me, I just clocked he’s wearing a chocolate brown shirt as well. Mate, your wife must be having an affair, your clearly not so attractive that she’s letting you look so ridiculous just to put off other women.

07:59 – I’m at Pret. A woman blasts through the doors clutching a book in her hand. She heads straight to the toilet, not for a coffee. This can only mean one thing. She is busting for a shit.

Another thing I don’t get, whilst I am looking around my fellow breakfast-eaters, is blokes who cross their legs at the knee when sitting.  I’ve only attempted this a handful of times and I am more than aware that becoming an expert at anything is commonly known to require somewhere in the region of 30,000 hours of practice, but on the few times I have tried it the experience has proven to be immensely uncomfortable.  Not in any small way as a result of my “having testicles”.   Am I missing a trick here or is the world more3 heavily populated by eunuchs than I would have imagined.

I know, you don’t want to be imagining eunuchs either.  So lets go back to yesterday briefly.  On my way back from lunch I was stopped by a tourist.  She had taken the lead in asking for directions.  Her boyfriend (not wearing the trousers) remained in the background, seated on some steps.

“Hexuse me… chwhere his arooods please” she asked.

“Pardon?”

“Arooods, chwhere his eet?”

“Sorry, I don’t know what… oh wait a minute… where am I again?  Oh yes, near Knightsbridge.  ‘Harrods’ you mean?  The shop?”  I reply.

“Ah yes… Harroooooods” she repeats (if you can call that repeating).

“I don’t know.  Thats Knightsbridge over there, its down there somewhere.  Bye”.

What the hell is it with people asking me for directions this week?

08:47 – Back to Riot News.  I got some great advice yesterday, from a courier delivery man.  He was telling me how the looters were idiots, that a lot of them were just stealing beer from off-licenses etc.

“They are idiots” he pointed out quite needlessly.  “They are going around looting small ticket items like beer and wine, but the crime is Looting.  It doesn’t matter if they take a bottle of beer or a 50″ screen television, they are going to get done for the same crime.  What they want to do is go around to the Louis Vuitton shop around the corner.  I deliver around there all the time, its only got a shutter at the back, 15 minutes working on that and your in to Aladdin’s Cave!”.